It's been a while! I've missed writing to you and sharing what the Lord has put on my heart. Well, when my eyes popped open this morning the meditation of my heart included this message to you.
I'm sure there are people out there who will relate to this message. I really hope it hits home with you as it did with me. So, anyway, I have been noticeably absent from this blog. If you read it, you know this. I have been struggling with the issues of life. You see about four months ago I made a decision that has changed my life. It was a significant decision for me and my family. I decided to stay home and raise our newborn baby. It was something I always wanted to do prior to getting married. My husband and I talked about it and he agreed.
My husband was onboard with this decison, that is, before marriage and two house mortgages and three car payments started staring us in the face. We tried to figure out ways to manage it all and have our family. Great ideas where thrown around. I even visited a work daycare center and took a tour asking a million questions about my baby's safety, development, etc. I asked family members to care for my child while I worked full-time. Yet, in my heart, I knew none of these things were what I was supposed to do. I knew that I was supposed to quit my job and raise my child myself. My husband and I talked and talked (with loud voices and not so nice facial expressions at times! ;) ) about this issue throughout my entire pregnancy. I gave in to the pressure and we decided on the daycare at my work. I was never comfortable with this and always told him so. After the baby was born and I was home with him, I just kept looking at him and thinking how could I give his life over to someone else? How could I leave his little soul for someone else to speak into, to tell him who he is, to teach him about my Heavenly Father? How could I put myself before his needs? He needed me. He didn't ask me to have him. I decided to create this life with my husband and his life was now our responsibility. Raising my son was what God wanted me to do. I asked God over and over if I could leave my job and stay home with the baby. He said "yes." The rest would be a faith walk.
Some faith walks are a breeze. Others make you break out in a sweat. And then there are those that require you to know that you know that God has told you to do something. This is one of those faith walks for me. This is one of those times where I have started on a journey and I can not turn back. I don't know all the specifics, but I know it is bigger than me and requires me to fulfill it. I must know that I know even when it gets tough. This awareness that God's ways are not our ways must permeate my soul and hold me up when I get weak.
I am about to share details of my journey. This is my journey. This post is about my faith walk. Please hear me loud and clear. This is about my direction from God. Please do not be angry with me because I have chosen to listen to God.
A few weeks before it was time for me to go back to work, I decided I couldn't do it. I had to quit. My supervisor was so gracious with me. I am forever grateful for her kindness. She made it easy because she understood my plight. She let me leave with my dignity in tact. Thank you Lori McKenzie!
Since that time, it has been a beautifully difficulty journey. My husband is still trying to cope with it all. I am doing my best to be a great wife and mother. Our eldest is about to start kindergarten in the Fall and our youngest just turned six months old! I love my life. Eventhough it has been hard, and I mean H-A-R-D, I would not give this up. I've had to make real sacrifices that have hurt my flesh. I just keep reminding myself that I'm supposed to die daily so I must be doing something right!
I will tell you that the hardest part of this has not been giving up my nice income and the material things it bought for me. The hardest part has been dealing with what others have said about me. I struggle with trying to justify my decision to people who do not understand. There are quite a few. Some of them have told me to go back to work and make some money. It was getting to the point where I started to believe all the negativity around me. I know this because during my prayer time yesterday, I heard myself repeat an ugly comment someone I love had made to me. I quickly repented, but realized the ugliness was getting to me. I was beginning to feel condemnation for doing what I knew God had told me I was supposed to do. Let me tell you, this is a horrible feeling. You feel almost trapped and wondering what in the world is going on. But, God!
Last night, after a particularly rough day, my husband and I were up late watching tv. I turned on TBN and Pastor Fred Price from Ever Increasing Faith Ministries was preaching about marriage and the role of husbands and wives. He touched on material possessions and wanting them at the expensive of your children. He talked about the husband's role as provider for the wife and the wife's role as caretaker of the home. He discussed when these roles are not fulfilled and how it is generally due to wanting cars and homes and other material items. He said God designed marriage for men to bring in the finances and women to care for the children and home. He also said there are circumstances where the women must fulfill both roles because the man has not fulfilled his responsibility. God understands this. However, in situations where there is a husband and wife and a choice, the choice should always be the children. Pastor Price said there will always be a new car out there and homes are being built everyday. But, what will you say if your children turn out to be less than God designed because you wanted the house and car more?
I tell you at this point I almost cried! I had to stop my tears. This was the exact thing I have been trying to say to all those who downgrade me for choosing my children over my house and my car. I know God told me to do what I am doing. I know in my heart, my mind, my soul and every fiber of my being. I am on the path God has set before me. I am walking out His directions day by day as best I know how. I don't know what the path looks like three steps down, but I know what this step I'm on looks like and what it requires. Stormie Omartian wrote a book titled, "Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On." Read it. It will help If you are following a path God has put you on and others don't understand. Ok, you don't even really understand the significance of all of it! This book helps you deal with the, I'll call it, "the situational blindness."
I've learned many lessons in the last four months. Some of them I enjoyed. Others I really, really disliked. One lesson I learned is that following God will cost you something. For me, it has been material things. I am giving up my house and my car so that I can do what God has asked me to do. The decision to sell these things instead of going back to work so I can pay for them was painful. I have enjoyed both of these things for years! I mean I worked hard for them. But, they are nothing compared to what God has asked me to do for my little boy.
I also learned that when God asks you to sacrifice your will for His will, He does not mean you have to sacrifice your dignity. People have tried to take my dignity from me because they do not agree with my following God's directions for my life. I learned not to let them. My dignity is mine and they can only have it if I give it away. I'm not giving it away anymore. I'm not asking for their approval or for them to understand. I don't need them to understand. I just need to obey God and leave the results up to Him.
One of the greatest lessons I learned was a reminder. I subscribe to a daily word called The Spirit of Prophecy by Bill and Marsha Burns. I recommend this word to everyone! I'm including the link to the latest one. You can subscribe to it from there. http://ft111.com/.
A while back, I don't really remember how long ago, it could be a couple years; The Spirit of Prophecy had a word from God that really uplifted me because of what was going on my life. The word said that when you are doing what is right you do not need to defend yourself. You do not need to do this because righteousness needs no defense. God will vindicate you. Watching Pastor Price last night was God reminding me He will fight all of my battles if I let Him. I have decided to let Him.
So, this morning I awoke with a renewed, refreshed and restored confidence in what my God has asked me to do. The best part is I can stop defending myself!
My Daddy reminded me that I don't have to! :)
Peace be to you,
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